If Pastoral Job Descriptions Were accurate…
Needalot Church, Seeking Senior Pastor
Responsibilities are as follows…
Board Chairman/Member
- Have omniscient knowledge of all activities in the Church
- Guardian for the church’s stockpile of golden calves
- Agree with and support all board members opinions (even if those opinions aren’t in agreement)
Preaching
- Preach powerful, convicting, thoroughly-deep expository messages that are no longer than a TV show. Must include stories, jokes, and illustrations too. Oh, and use the Holy Spirit.
- Address all Church issues and needs
- Don’t address issues or needs that make people uncomfortable
- Don’t offend people with your preaching, but don’t worry about offending people in your preaching. It sounds like a contradiction but really it’s not, Pastor.
Counseling
- Be careful to limit the amount of time you spend on counseling. It is not your first priority.
- Spend time counseling with any member who needs it, any time they need it, for as long as they need it.
Leadership
- Be omnipresent. You are expected to attend all meetings and events, even those that are at the same time in different places.
- Provide leadership by being the hands-and-feet of Jesus (i.e. we don’t have a janitor and no one will pick up that old Styrofoam cup of coffee the women’s class left on the floor three weeks ago)
Finally, as the senior staff member the Pastor will be expected to be attending prayer meetings, staff meetings, and other events purposeful to the mission of Church including weekends and holidays.
- You are allotted two weeks vacation a year but we reserve the right to grumble about you being gone.
- Always fear your pulpit replacement.
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